Sunday...a day of relaxation and....God??!!?

So today I ate, watched some tv, ate, went on the computer, ate, watched some more tv, went online again, ate, watched some more tv and then the end of a movie, and went back online to update my blog. oh yeah....and got AWESTRUCK by GOD. it was pretty cool. i was feeling really down again this morning and I drove to roseville feeling guilty but didn't want to go to church. I wanted to give up. It was basically my typical Sunday morning; I am getting so sick of this. But as I sat in the parked car trying to decide what to do with my couple hours at "church" before I could head back home, I finally gave in. I don't know why or how, but I guess I had to sooner or later. "FINE GOD," I thought. "I'LL...TALK TO YOU...." But I was still too ashamed to talk. So I scribbled down some of my painful feelings on the back of an old church bulletin; sometimes it's easier to address God that way. I asked Him why I felt so much more comfortable and accepted talking with some of my friends about this stuff more than Him. I think I concluded to myself that it was easier with friends because they could understand, respond, and sympathize, or at least acknowledge my pain with a soft touch or hug. God seemed so...distant. But there was this little feeling in my gut that told me, God does listen...and he does respond. It's called the Bible. And then I did another strange thing I've resisted for a while....I opened God's Word. It had been so long I didn't know where to start. But I remember liking Romans chapter 8 at one time or another, and sure enough, it was bookmarked. And in after half an hour, I remembered why I liked it so much. Paul was all about grace, and that's just what I needed. But this time, the heart actually worked with the brain and I started to just catch a glimpse of what this grace was really about. Then for some reason I flipped a couple pages a verse I don't ever remember before just popped out at me. Romans 9:16 (I'll give 14 and 15 for context).

14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." 16 It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.

It was then that a little window broke somewhere inside my dark, stone castle heart. It was wierd....but good....and the little flame of hope shined a little bit brighter. I don't know what's really gonna happen from here, but I think I'll try this again tomorrow.

And my heart still beats inside

I don't know. Maybe the best way to describe my life right now is to read my old roommate's blog and make it opposite. She is amazingly excited by God's grace and taken aback by his mercy, love, and immensely undeserved blessings in her life. I'm really happy for her, and I know what she says is true. But somehow my heart won't believe it for me. It's too frustrating and embarrassing to think of God's grace right now, so i ignore Him and just keep living. Not like I don't think He's still there, and I know he is not the source of my shame. But my spirit is weak and although I'm tired of living this way, I don't know how to get out of it. It's like I'm stuck in a cruel cycle. I want to believe but it always feels like I'm not doing it right, or not enough. And at the rare times when I am able to catch a glimpse of his mercy, it feels like I'm taking it for granted or not really appreciating it the way I should be. I feel like I'm tired of trying something that I haven't really even given a shot. But the effort seems too much. I am also realizing more every day how incapable I am of expressing my thoughts and feelings through my own words. Writing is a little better because I can pause and think, but I'm just not so great at human communication. And I don't even know if my writing really makes sense either. Yet somehow, there's still this shread of hope I keep hanging on to....even if I don't know why.

"And my heart still beats inside
And the blood runs in my veins
A remnant of life remains
And my heart still beats inside

Oh God, we need you here
We're sinking fast and we don't care
The evidence is all around me,
on both sides of my door
Our hearts beat"
-brave saint saturn-

An excitingly boring update

I am getting sick of work; mostly by the stupid way they run the place.
I am accepted to St. Cloud State next year; THANKS GOD!
I am moving in with my grandma sometime before fall; I'm so excited.
I am still wondering what God wants me to do this summer; I'll like to quit Showdown but we'll see what He thinks.
I am done with this excitingly boring update.

put some flowers in yo basket, foo!

after posting the last post, i realized it was the first of may. so i had to post this of my new favorite comic, Big Nate by Lincoln Peirce.