Sunday, May 28

Sunday...a day of relaxation and....God??!!?

So today I ate, watched some tv, ate, went on the computer, ate, watched some more tv, went online again, ate, watched some more tv and then the end of a movie, and went back online to update my blog. oh yeah....and got AWESTRUCK by GOD. it was pretty cool. i was feeling really down again this morning and I drove to roseville feeling guilty but didn't want to go to church. I wanted to give up. It was basically my typical Sunday morning; I am getting so sick of this. But as I sat in the parked car trying to decide what to do with my couple hours at "church" before I could head back home, I finally gave in. I don't know why or how, but I guess I had to sooner or later. "FINE GOD," I thought. "I'LL...TALK TO YOU...." But I was still too ashamed to talk. So I scribbled down some of my painful feelings on the back of an old church bulletin; sometimes it's easier to address God that way. I asked Him why I felt so much more comfortable and accepted talking with some of my friends about this stuff more than Him. I think I concluded to myself that it was easier with friends because they could understand, respond, and sympathize, or at least acknowledge my pain with a soft touch or hug. God seemed so...distant. But there was this little feeling in my gut that told me, God does listen...and he does respond. It's called the Bible. And then I did another strange thing I've resisted for a while....I opened God's Word. It had been so long I didn't know where to start. But I remember liking Romans chapter 8 at one time or another, and sure enough, it was bookmarked. And in after half an hour, I remembered why I liked it so much. Paul was all about grace, and that's just what I needed. But this time, the heart actually worked with the brain and I started to just catch a glimpse of what this grace was really about. Then for some reason I flipped a couple pages a verse I don't ever remember before just popped out at me. Romans 9:16 (I'll give 14 and 15 for context).

14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." 16 It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.

It was then that a little window broke somewhere inside my dark, stone castle heart. It was wierd....but good....and the little flame of hope shined a little bit brighter. I don't know what's really gonna happen from here, but I think I'll try this again tomorrow.

Saturday, May 20

And my heart still beats inside

I don't know. Maybe the best way to describe my life right now is to read my old roommate's blog and make it opposite. She is amazingly excited by God's grace and taken aback by his mercy, love, and immensely undeserved blessings in her life. I'm really happy for her, and I know what she says is true. But somehow my heart won't believe it for me. It's too frustrating and embarrassing to think of God's grace right now, so i ignore Him and just keep living. Not like I don't think He's still there, and I know he is not the source of my shame. But my spirit is weak and although I'm tired of living this way, I don't know how to get out of it. It's like I'm stuck in a cruel cycle. I want to believe but it always feels like I'm not doing it right, or not enough. And at the rare times when I am able to catch a glimpse of his mercy, it feels like I'm taking it for granted or not really appreciating it the way I should be. I feel like I'm tired of trying something that I haven't really even given a shot. But the effort seems too much. I am also realizing more every day how incapable I am of expressing my thoughts and feelings through my own words. Writing is a little better because I can pause and think, but I'm just not so great at human communication. And I don't even know if my writing really makes sense either. Yet somehow, there's still this shread of hope I keep hanging on to....even if I don't know why.

"And my heart still beats inside
And the blood runs in my veins
A remnant of life remains
And my heart still beats inside

Oh God, we need you here
We're sinking fast and we don't care
The evidence is all around me,
on both sides of my door
Our hearts beat"
-brave saint saturn-

Monday, May 15

An excitingly boring update

I am getting sick of work; mostly by the stupid way they run the place.
I am accepted to St. Cloud State next year; THANKS GOD!
I am moving in with my grandma sometime before fall; I'm so excited.
I am still wondering what God wants me to do this summer; I'll like to quit Showdown but we'll see what He thinks.
I am done with this excitingly boring update.

Monday, May 1

put some flowers in yo basket, foo!

after posting the last post, i realized it was the first of may. so i had to post this of my new favorite comic, Big Nate by Lincoln Peirce.

First attempt at blog??!

Wow...I found this old blog I attempted my senior year of high school. I was so funny and random and outgoing and active. I think being sick has toned me down a lot. I can't wait to be like that again. Happy. anyway, i wanted to save this so I have something to look forward to. Life's been kinda down lately. You'll probably only like this if you know me, but if you care to read*....enjoy.

*the dates are in order from top to bottom, so it makes a little more sense if you start at the bottom entry and read up.

13/03/04 Happy Saturday the 13th!!

hey how's it? you know, that thing living under the couch. how is it? and how are you, while i'm at it? what a crazy month it's been so far...i don't think i can keep up with this! But, someone beside sarah does read this (merritt now too!) so i feel obliged to keep going. lol. so, Tartan has been getting to all these important state elimination games and then being elinated from the beginning. We had a special pep band at Arlington High, but the girls BBall lost. Then a special pep at the Excel Center, but boy's hockey lost. Boys basketball is our only hope now... hehe Anyway, with newspaper taking up Friday, school being cut off early for the hockey game on thurs., a painting project last Wed, and seniors have no school last tuesday, it has been an interesting yet very fun week. Painting at this homeless shelter called the Hill House was especially fun, even though we had the hardest room cause we acidentally used the wrong primer and then they wanted us to tear down parts of the wall and then re-make it again with spackle and then paint over it while getting crusty wall paint on our socks and then having to scrape the crusty wall paint down and redo it cause it wasn't sticking. When we were finally done, all the rooms looked so pretty except for ours and the messed up wall and big paint spots that we spilled on the floor. man, i felt so bad! but it wasn't obnoxiously awful and the workers all knew what we were doing and that we had the most difficult room. I'm really excited now to have expeirence so the next shelter we paint will be very good (i hope. at least we've learned how much plastic you need. ;-) ) Last night I finally saw the Passion of the Christ and it was awesome, as expected. everlybody go see it. then i hung out with alex and some of his friends some more and we had fun talking, even though not much of it was about the movie. it was neat. the tv is telling me to lie. Bad TV!!! have a good one

24/02/04 Peaches that are brown shouldn't be eaten

hehe....i will work on my website more soon, at least i'll try hard to remember and then do it. but alas, there are some things more important than my online diary which only sarah reads. at least my mom says so. Hm...i have an experiement. if anyone beside Sarah actually reads this, tell me now. Email me at so then i can mention your name with Sarah's in every entry. Speaking of which, how is my sarah? i love here. i mean i love her. but i love sitting in this chair and getting fat too. We just had solo/ensemble so I shall put some more pics up soon, perhaps, also of lakewood and me being ugly, if i feel like it. or maybe you should just go to where my friend's site is and i post pictures under the pictures part. But i got a picture of a cool tuba guy from the all conference thing. I'll put that one up for sure (especially since I told him it would be here....). Other band news: today is the last pep band unless we go to tournaments. awww. Not other band news (hooray- I do have a life)- I turned in my TWO applications last week to uOw-River Falls and Northwestern. I might actually go to college next year! There was another Jena-Kelly-Adam party and it was much fun. Except when I thought Adam started liking me again. But they are cool, and thought me rummy. Then I did a little dance, made a little love, and got down that night! (TOTAL j/k!!!!! except the dance part). I leave you with my quote of the day: "Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special". -Chris Rock
(note: i do not endorse or support Chris Rock in any way).

16/02/04 Will you be my "Val pal"?

IF anybody happens to read the previous title and wonder what it means, NO, I really did not barf in the chemistry room. But a couple weeks ago Chem 3 did a lab with the chemical of the acid in your stomach which smells like barf and the whole room really did smell like pure vomit for 2 days. hoooray! and that's how the story ends. now you've seen the score my friends. well sarah I know i've been slacking but i've actually been busy with a LIFE I wents to the Un-valentine party last wed. at Lakewood and won the ugliest matched person prize. (pictures later) it was an ugly day, but the sun was shining. every cloud had a silver lining. still, I was very proud, just like Caiou on PBS kids. Sorry, but i have to ask, who names their kid "caiou"?? I don't even know how to spell it. Yes, in fact, I have been babysitting too much recently. On actual V day (which I forgot happened and then later remembered), I got a checking account. good times! haha no really I'm starting out with some ok numbers but I got some "same checks" with some below 100 numbers that I couldn't give anywhere so I'm thinking of putting them in my "college funds"....hehe Sarah, you know what I'm talking about. Well as for today (go presidents!) I went to a youth group meeting and although it still bugs me sometimes I'm really getting excited about starting to be involved and maybe help change some things for the better. 'cause twinkies may be better than a hole in the sweater (but a hole in the sweater is better than a poke in the eye). I am also real excited about a service project for youth group that I am putting together. Give yourself a pat on the back if you recognized any of the Five Iron Frenzy song innuendos. that's another word I don't know how to spell. ciao.

10/02/04 The chemistry room smells like barf.....literally.....cause I barfed in it

Guess What? I learned that I should apply for college. ha ha no really i work really hard at being a great procrastinator, but today I decided it might do just a little good to start filling out some aps, so i went online to fill out an application for river falls. College would be good. My brother is currently watching the Justice Leauge on TV and I am thinking about sleeping in tomorrow....mmmm. They are trying some wierd late start thing at Tartan and school begins at 8 instead of 7:25. go figure. i mean "yes!". i just wanted to say "go figure" in a sentence. today was so tiring first hour I slept through the bell and woke up to find nobody in class. but luckily, only 2 minutes of passing time had passed. we had a sub, so he probably left the room and no one else was there to wake me up. ahh, good times. then i went and forgot NHS...oops...i hope they don't kick me out cause my mom would probably be upset. then i went and made a fool out of myself in front of everyone. like always. on a good day, at least. hehe.

02/02/04 My name is sarah and i leave my aim on ALL

Today was very eventful. Not much happened. haha no actually, SCHOOL WAS CANCELED for the first time in ages...that was cool. But the sad thing was that we didn't hear abou here I am rushing to school and very late and then finally get there and its canceled. oh well, i'm not complaing about that. the best part about being canceled today was i could go on aim in the morning, therefore being able to talk to jon who lives in thailand/china/somewhere on the other side of the earth. he is usually on in mornings because that is his nightime, but usually i am not school so i cannot talk to him. but i was able to today for a long time and he even sent me an was so great to recieve something other than a virus or spam. especially from jon. anyway i am also very honored to say that heather called my site "the most random thing she knew of" yesterday. then it snowed 14 inches. i think i bring good luck. like fried tomotoes. the book, silly. Anyway, i predict that the groundhog saw his/her shadow. twice. huzzah. tomorrow i'm going to wear a toga. wish me luck.

31/1/04 Mountain DEW phantom sTRiKES AGAIN!! ahhhhhhh

i can't go to sleep. it is 1:05 am and I can't go to sleep. Well, I probably could, I just don't want to. hah. tonite was swell! jena and kelly and adam (yes, sarah....him) all came over and i watched monty python and the holy grail for the second time of my life. it was a giant fight at recess, dad. lol, no, actually it was a giant food party in honor of the marching in the parade being canceled. it was good, but i put out too much food. luckly, most of it could be saved. jena and kelly made the bestest brownies ever. but now i am full. Last night there was this fancy father daughter thing at church and i wore a DRESS. yeas, that is right. i don't think i've worn a dress for 3 years. and i don't think i've ever worn a dress as fancy as that one. crazy. its pretty and i like it alright but i won't wear it unless i hafta go to a wedding or dress up reeeeallllllyyy formal again. but someday maybe i'll make myself pretty and take a picture and we can all laugh at it in unison. that would be fun. i had a pic on my digital, but it turned out kinda fuzzy so i'll hafta wait til mom uses up the rest of her film. she took a couple pictures of me and dad--i mean dad and I. Now that we're all gramatically correct, lets sing about speghettios and watch the superbowl. man, i don't know what superbowl party i shall go to tomorrow.... :-/

29/1/04 the word of the day is CONNIPTION. c-o-n-n-i-p-t-i-o-n. yey.

lots of fun things happening. for one, i moved the keyboard and mouse to the floor so i could huddle up the the heater while i'm on the computer. today was supposedly the coldest day in the year. i wouldn't doubt that, i have the windburns on my legs to prove it. next week is tartan's "incoming", for those who aren't familar with the subject, its like homecoming but dumber. sorry, i shouldn't be that rude. well, it is kinda silly. anyway, the big news this year is that one of our dress up days shall be TOGA day. at first i was excited, then thoughtful, then extremely mortified. if you knew some of the kids in my school you'd know why. no wonder we haven't had a TOGA day for 5 or 6 years. but this year we have a new principal. heh he.....uh, we'll see how this one turns out. hopefully not resulting in the ban of excellent toga days in the future. to add to the conniption, next week friday is also some big band conference thing held at our school where other schools come and play for a tiny bit and there are clinicians and people and happiness. its too bad it has to be a tartan this year, cause now we can't go on a field trip. last year it was at richfeild high, like about 40 min away. that was sweet. well i will probably have the whole day off anyway cause i'm the one Dr. DDA always asks for help and organizing and junk. i have 4th block off this semester but like a nerd i stay and organize band music. of course!! but there are some advantages to being queen of the files, such as the latter. (i love that word. latter. it makes me sound so smart. hah). oh, and cleaning up the band room is kinda like being a tartan archeologist too. its fun. for example, today i found a football roster from 1985. then this other kid named matt found a thing....i think it plays music....but it is some big round thing that was invented before tape players even existed. its awesome. he let me have it (it was kinda broken, DDA told him to throw it away) so i took it home and looked at it. i'll hafta see if i can post a picture of it soon. it was made in 1968 i believe (quite new technology when tartan opened lol) oh yeah, and the newspaper is laying out next week as well. i'm actually writing an article!! i finally felt obligied to write at least one thing this year, considering i'm cheif staff and all. well that's my life right now summed up in 234245 words or less. or more. depends if you're an optimist or pessimist. personally, i see the ketchup bottle as half full. today we had pep band as well and i had a lovely time conversing about Action Porto-Potties and tatooing needles. ahh, the fun never stops. ttfn~kt

24/1/04 my warmer thingamabobs are still warm

Right now i'm kinda bummed cause none of my digital pictures turned out. ok, so i took like 50 pictures and they're all blurry. and now the batteries are used up too. oh well, such is the price to pay for digital...i'm going to put on flash again and read the manual and see if that helps any. that would be good. i don't know if they're is anything else interesting i can say...some winter carnival parade was today and it was cold but i made it through all the songs without frozen valves! Very proud of myself indeed. oh and tomorrow i run the projector slides for chruch worship and the sermon...i practiced on thrus. and they're like "wanna do it sun" and i'm like "sure, that sounds swell". so i'm excited to be hallowed the term "techie" even though i know practically nothing about computers except how to run a darn good powerpoint presentation. and make websites...but i don't use html so that doesn't count. but its all good....just like a steamy bowl of mashed potatoes. And then some.

20/1/04 For all who know me, wait til you know me!!

In case everybody has noticed, i am writing the date as it is written in all the other countries around the world except the stubburn U.S. because it actually makes SENSE this way...(I shudder at the thought) you know, day, then month, then year. if only we weren't so stuck up and could convert to the metric system now...grrrrrr hehe, anyway, i like my new schedule and i am happy to TA for miss merva, the new band teacher, whom is liked by all (especially the wait, please don't go there!!) i haven't been scoring with pep band though. first they tell us to come at 6 when we're actually supposed to be there at 6:45. Then tonite they tell us to come and there's not even a game. go figure. ahh, the wonders of tartan. anyway, things are swell and i am excited to get back into youth group again....both at hope and lakewood....and i'm even going to the prayer/planning meetings and organizing service projects at my church (hope--for anyone reading this who doesn't understand yeah reight like somebody who doesn't know me is actually gonna read this l0l) and anyway i am excited and such. but i still don't know where to go to college. God is in control....

18/1/04 NI NI NI NI NI!

Okay, I have to admit that although I've done the unthinkable, I am now redeemed. Yes, I've finally seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I had always wanted to- forgive me please- but never got around to it until last night. To proclaim my approval simply, I will just call the movie "a staple in the 4 main TV groups". A classic for the generations indeed. But enough about my pathetic knowledge in the entertainment world. This week was alright! No homework because 2nd quarter is finally over (kaBLAM!) and I am excited to be out of math and now into physics which I hear is even harder. hurrah. OH! and I got my sr. pictures done on Sat. (posting soon). Well, those are the things that make my life special right now. (but kazoos still aren't for sissies!) B4 i go, I would like to say "ha!" for Sarah to show her I am keeping my new years resolution. at least for now. (BTW--thanks 4 the fun on Sunday. I hope your car lives long enough to see its children grow up).