And my heart still beats inside

I don't know. Maybe the best way to describe my life right now is to read my old roommate's blog and make it opposite. She is amazingly excited by God's grace and taken aback by his mercy, love, and immensely undeserved blessings in her life. I'm really happy for her, and I know what she says is true. But somehow my heart won't believe it for me. It's too frustrating and embarrassing to think of God's grace right now, so i ignore Him and just keep living. Not like I don't think He's still there, and I know he is not the source of my shame. But my spirit is weak and although I'm tired of living this way, I don't know how to get out of it. It's like I'm stuck in a cruel cycle. I want to believe but it always feels like I'm not doing it right, or not enough. And at the rare times when I am able to catch a glimpse of his mercy, it feels like I'm taking it for granted or not really appreciating it the way I should be. I feel like I'm tired of trying something that I haven't really even given a shot. But the effort seems too much. I am also realizing more every day how incapable I am of expressing my thoughts and feelings through my own words. Writing is a little better because I can pause and think, but I'm just not so great at human communication. And I don't even know if my writing really makes sense either. Yet somehow, there's still this shread of hope I keep hanging on to....even if I don't know why.

"And my heart still beats inside
And the blood runs in my veins
A remnant of life remains
And my heart still beats inside

Oh God, we need you here
We're sinking fast and we don't care
The evidence is all around me,
on both sides of my door
Our hearts beat"
-brave saint saturn-