Saturday, September 23

Babbling with perspective.

I'm excited to learn; this is a pretty new concept for me. I actually want to know more about what I'm studying. Don't worry, I'm not writing research papers for fun-yet. It's a weird but awesome feeling though. I came to St. Cloud kind of with a new direction in my education, but I still wasn't sure of making a big commitment. I am on my third major already in less than two years of college. And the only thing I knew about social work is that I didn't know anything about it. But somehow it interested me enough to transfer schools where I could at least find out more about that degree. (I checked the book: my first school had no social work classes and one Sociology class. That was all.) So, I soon find myself at a completely different school, working toward a major I know practically nothing about. But it just felt right, like this is where God wanted me to be, despite the evident hardships of moving to an (almost)new place. I mean I've been here a bunch of times but, as you all know, living is much different than visiting. And I'm surprised that I don't find it more strange how well I've adapted and how quickly. Like I mentioned earlier, I really am enjoying my classes and learning about my major thus far. It's kind of hit me like a passion. I've always had a passion for people, but I guess I didn't realize there was a job category that exactly matches the way I love to relate to people: by serving their most essential needs. But what I want even more and must continuously strive for is a passion with a larger purpose: to share how the love of God IS the most essential of all human needs, especially in this dark and socially problematic world. I must remember that despite how much "passion" I feel about social injustice or how much "ambition" I feel about making a difference on this earth, it is only my God Almighty who can do something through me, and in fact, created this interest and these passions inside of me. It's so easy to go around forgetting that He's the one really in control. I start pushing Him aside to have more time to think about my life, my plans, my hopes for something great I can do to "fix the world" with my own soon acquired knowledge and understanding. I fall back on the glamour of being a college student (sounds weird I know, but if you think about it we are highly privileged to be where we are). I try my hardest not to conform to those around me, but in rejecting God's complete control over my life I am no different than many self-seeking, anthropocentric students my age. Even letting the Lord have my life for the purpose that will give me the ability to "make a difference" like I want to seems hypocritical. Here I suddenly come to thought with that sickening cliche, "Be the change you want to see in the world". But by what means? Not that it's bad to want to better the world we live in- but I have to remind myself that's not really the purpose of our existence. The real purpose is to follow and obey the Lord our God, master of the Universe, Alpha and Omega, the Creator and Great Facilitator of everything that surrounds us- that is us. Even if we don't stand out in the world like we want to, the fact that we've let him in charge of our entire life is enough. So how come it so often doesn't seem enough to me? How come I so often crave other than what I was created for: A life in worship and awe of my Heavenly Father? These are the questions I have come to ponder recently. Please help me Jesus.

Tuesday, September 19

WARNING: Cliche entry ahead

WHY do I even look at facebook anymore?! I do it at the end of the day as almost a way to kick back and relax, but instead I am faced with:
1. Many people that I miss and can rarely see anymore.
2. The reminder that I still barely know anybody up here.
3. Overwelming amounts of new relationship statuses that make me dissatisfied with myself.
4. ...An addiction that wastes too much of my time...

yet, in some way I feel it is the only connection I have left between my friends back home....and I don't even use that opprotunity to communicate with them, just snoop in on their lives. I'm an awful friend sometimes. :-P With communication, at least. Anyway, enough of that rant. I'm still doing well but I don't feel like typing anymore. I guess rants are more fun to type, and now that I'm out of them, I'll go to bed. :-)

Sunday, September 10

Praise Jesus that ex-communication isn't an option.

First week of school done. Well, not a full week yet, but I've had all my classes. I wish I could summarize my whole experience so far and tell everyone I know separately, but blogging is easiest for now. I'm getting to know the names of some people and I've been busy attending different activities, but I still miss NWC. I've met a couple kids who've been to a lot of places and transferred from a lot of schools, and I wonder how often they think of their friends from back wherever they were. I've seen so many people that look like people I know, especially from quick glance or far away, and I'm constantly reminded of my old friends. At least I still have instant messenger...

I don't mean to sound depressing, because as a whole, I love it up here. It's just that I don't want to forget the awesome people I left back in the cities. And I'm still struggling to make my relationship with God more real and more prominent in my life. It's always been easy to let it slide, but I think at NWC in a mostly Christ-centered community I took a lot of the spiritual surroundings for granted. I think a central problem that I need to work on is this feeling to be perfect. I know I've always struggled keeping on close terms with God, but everybody does. That's life. For some reason though I always feel like I haven't grown as much as I should have by now, like I should be so much more mature and disciplined for my stage of life. I feel like I should have more passion, spend more time with Him, work toward more things in life that really matter. But I feel this way almost out of duty or guilt, not out of joy and reverence for the God who's responsible for saving my life. Once again, I'm wondering how I can get this fact out of my head and persistently in my heart. And being at a public school now especially makes me feel like it's up to me to "save the campus from hell". But I really don't want to do it the way those street preachers are who come here everyday and shout fire and brimstone onto everyone walking from class to class (and yes, I have seen one somewhere on campus almost every day so far). I think I've always struggled feeling like an insufficient Christian, but now I feel insufficient to be capable of making any change for Christ unless I'm totally put together right. I know that's not true (or possible), but it still bothers me. Father, Please help me accept my human depravity but at the same time trust Your grace that you can still do awesome things in me and with me.

Random anecdote: I went to a newcomer's meeting at a church today, which was nice. I met some interesting guy who was also new and kept talking to me...but he was nice. He asked for my number, but it didn't seem like he was hitting on me, he just wanted to get to know someone. So I gave it to him....we'll see what happens.

Wednesday, September 6


So I wake up late, causually take a shower, and find Grandma in the kitchen cooking breakfast. Not a bad morning so far. I smell bacon, eggs and waffles- I was close enough. It was Grandma's version: Egg Beaters (made only with egg whites), fried ham (less fat than bacon) and Eggo toaster waffles (easier to make). It was still good though, and I complimented sweet little grandma on the meal. Then I'm off to classes, only 2 today. First I stop at an organization fair they're having and pick up some material on clubs and campus ministries. Campus Crusade for Christ gave me a free snow-cone. Both classes went well, and I'm excited for tomorrow, even though Thursday is my long day. I went to an InterVarsity (another campus ministry) event tonight and won a mug. Tomorrow they have something else in the evening I should be able to make it to. There's a lot of ministries on campus, so I guess you just hafta kind of pick one like you pick a church. InterVarsity has a lot of stuff happening right away though, and their usual meeting time is pretty convienent for me. We'll see what happens. SF, SG. So far, So good.

Tuesday, September 5

Where do I start?!?

WELL, I don't think I can summarize the great time I've been having in St. Cloud. School starts tomorrow. I hope this doesn't change the atmosphere. ;-) On all accounts, I am very happy and pretty excited. The one thing that is hard is starting like a freshman again. I still don't know anybody my own age up here, and I miss my friends at my old school dreadfully. I miss coming back to familiar places and familiar faces. But I guess overall the transition is going well, praise the Lord.

It's interesting and somewhat fun to compare this big, state school to my previous small, private school. Today we had to take an orientation class called "Respect and Responsibility" where for 2 hours we "learned" that sexual harassment and discrimination are not good things. I think my favorite part* of the presentation was learning about having mutual consent for sex (otherwise, it is known as "rape"). Or maybe it was the former Jewish rabbi who introduced one of the speakers of the program as a model citizen and one of his heroes: an SCSU admissions counselor who was also a self-proclaimed lesbian. Side note: She went off about how she hated the term "politically correct". It was surely an interesting day. I found all my classrooms, ate some free food at a student picnic, contemplated the universe, and then did something pretty dumb. I applied for another credit card just so I could get a big bowl of free Coldstone. But it sure was yummy. :-P

*hopefully you're catching on to my sarcasm