Sunday...a day of relaxation and....God??!!?
So today I ate, watched some tv, ate, went on the computer, ate, watched some more tv, went online again, ate, watched some more tv and then the end of a movie, and went back online to update my blog. oh yeah....and got AWESTRUCK by GOD. it was pretty cool. i was feeling really down again this morning and I drove to roseville feeling guilty but didn't want to go to church. I wanted to give up. It was basically my typical Sunday morning; I am getting so sick of this. But as I sat in the parked car trying to decide what to do with my couple hours at "church" before I could head back home, I finally gave in. I don't know why or how, but I guess I had to sooner or later. "FINE GOD," I thought. "I'LL...TALK TO YOU...." But I was still too ashamed to talk. So I scribbled down some of my painful feelings on the back of an old church bulletin; sometimes it's easier to address God that way. I asked Him why I felt so much more comfortable and accepted talking with some of my friends about this stuff more than Him. I think I concluded to myself that it was easier with friends because they could understand, respond, and sympathize, or at least acknowledge my pain with a soft touch or hug. God seemed so...distant. But there was this little feeling in my gut that told me, God does listen...and he does respond. It's called the Bible. And then I did another strange thing I've resisted for a while....I opened God's Word. It had been so long I didn't know where to start. But I remember liking Romans chapter 8 at one time or another, and sure enough, it was bookmarked. And in after half an hour, I remembered why I liked it so much. Paul was all about grace, and that's just what I needed. But this time, the heart actually worked with the brain and I started to just catch a glimpse of what this grace was really about. Then for some reason I flipped a couple pages a verse I don't ever remember before just popped out at me. Romans 9:16 (I'll give 14 and 15 for context).
14 What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! 15 For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." 16 It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.
It was then that a little window broke somewhere inside my dark, stone castle heart. It was wierd....but good....and the little flame of hope shined a little bit brighter. I don't know what's really gonna happen from here, but I think I'll try this again tomorrow.